This was a story submitted to NYC Midnight in 2021 for their Flash Fiction Challenge part two.
I've been a fan of these characters and sometimes contemplate writing more about them. Giving them more short stories or a novel. I hope you enjoy!
This story does deserve an edit(or two) from me but hasn't gotten it yet.
Best place to rob someone? An auction. People are so focused on outbidding each other, they never notice what they've lost.
Every Friday when there is a high-brow society auction, I put on my best trilby and pinstripe pants and rob everyone blind.
That's how I ended up talking to Lady Peake about the grooming habits of her cat and staring at the sixteen carat diamond necklace engulfing her throat.
"The last time I took my dear Aberfromth to that groomer, he had melancholia for days!" Lady Peake wailed.
I made a big show of glancing around furtively, "Well... That sounds horrible but did you hear what happened to Lady Lewis' bulldog... It's not really for polite society but..."
"Do tell, young man, do tell," Lady Peake said, rapt with attention.
I leaned forward to whisper a spontaneously crafted account of a bulldog, the anchor of a docking ship, and two tons of dog treats. While Lady Peake gasped in shock, I stealthily loosened and pocketed my glittering prize.
My timing was perfect; the auctioneer declared the start of bidding. Lady Peake tottered shakily away to take her seat for the auction.
I felt a slight tug at my pocket and turned to look down at a small, impertinent face. It looked only slightly remorseful for having been caught.
"Lady Spire! What brings you rummaging through my pockets tonight?" I asked jovially.
Her face turned red, "Hoping to catch you off guard."
"You'll do better next time; never worry! But this is my prize of the night; go find your own."
"You're going to beat me to all of them," She pouted.
I lowered my voice so as not to disturb the auction, "Well, we aren't all born talented now, are we?"
Lady Spire rolled her eyes, "Do you ever get bored of this petty larceny?"
"What else is there to do?"
Lady Spire went quiet as she thought. I watched as paddles went up, placing bids on an atrocity made of gold. I've never understood the tastes of some rich folk.
"Steal something from the auction," Her eyes gleamed, thinking she'd stumped me. "In front of all these people. Could you do it?"
"Maybe... Let me see your program?"
She passed me her program and I flipped through tonight's items.
"I've got it," I closed the program before Lady Spire could see what I had set my mind to. "Want to make a bet?"
Lady Spire grinned evilly, "You have to ask Lady Winson out, if you lose."
She'd chosen my ex who had managed to humiliate me on several occasions with a few well-chosen words and once by getting her dog to vomit in my hat. If my ex was going to be the bet then hers would be too.
"Fine, you have to ask Lord Nico out if I succeed." I gave her a smug smile, fair was fair.
She looked ready to say no but held out her hand, "Fine."
I shook her hand, "Watch closely."
I tipped my hat to her and headed towards the room filled with items for auction. It wasn't guarded; people were coming and going. I snapped up a folded tablecloth and hid it down the back of my trousers. I hoped it didn't look too frumpy. I found the item I was going to take home and waited.
When the item was announced, I proudly sauntered out with it to stand by the auctioneer. He gave me a quizzical look, but it didn't stop his patter. I smiled benignly at Lady Spire, who sat there in sheer disbelief. I proceeded to show off my soon-to-be prize: a golden toilet brush and plunger set once owned by some king.
The bidding soared. I liked to think it was my presence that helped. Not only was I easy on the eyes but I did an amazing job of showing off the merchandise. I brandished the toilet brush, showed the smooth action of the plunger. The final bid was placed and I walked off the stage.
I headed right past the purchasing room and into the nearest restroom. Making sure the room was empty, I wrapped my prize in the tablecloth and stuffed it in the supply closet. I straightened my clothes and walked out to Lady Spire.
Her eyes were wide. "You're crazy."
I shrugged.
"How are you going to get it out?"
"You'll see... Or as the case may be, you won't. But feel free to stop by my place sometime to use the restroom. I promise it'll be well stocked."
Lady Spire just shook her head at my audacity. I swiped her fan while she was distracted.
I spent the rest of the evening pleasantly enough. Lady Spire never took her eyes off me, which inspired several wild rumors. I managed to pocket several more items, which kept the evening entertaining. I never once went back to the restroom.
As I left, Lady Spire dashed after me. That probably didn't help the rumors.
She grabbed my arm as I was about to leave, "How did you do it? Where is it?"
I almost took pity on her, she looked so desperate. Unfortunately, we were in a very crowded part of the auction house and she wasn't being quiet.
"I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you are talking about." I looked at her in bewilderment. "I do have to get going. I hope I see you for croquet on Sunday at my place. A certain lord will be present and I believe you have something to say to him?"
She gaped at my back as I left her. Lady Spire had been right, it was time to up my game. A porter from the auction tugged at my arm and handed me a bundle swaddled in tablecloth. I tipped him royally and strolled away. Wealthier than when I had arrived, which few people at an auction can say.
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